


You'll Fall Asleep

by jayhalstead



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Prompt - Abandonment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-08-22
Packaged: 2018-04-16 13:23:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4626825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayhalstead/pseuds/jayhalstead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rule number one: Don’t let things get personal.</p>
<p>They always get personal.</p>
<p>Rule number two: Don’t let yourself believe this is the truth.</p>
<p>You always believe the lies.</p>
<p>Rule number three: Don’t fall apart because he doesn’t deserve your tears.</p>
<p>Your eyes always did betray you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You'll Fall Asleep

**Author's Note:**

> This was a prompt that I received on Tumblr and I just went where it took me. I love Jay and Erin so much. I'm really broken up about where they are in canon but I have faith in their story. It's not the end for them. It will never be over. Anyways, now I'm just ranting! haha. I really hope that you all enjoy the story!!

Rule number one: Don’t let things get personal.

They always get personal.

Rule number two: Don’t let yourself believe this is the truth.

You always believe the lies.

Rule number three: Don’t fall apart because he doesn’t deserve your tears.

Your eyes always did betray you.

***

_“If you could have imagined this night to go anyway other than how we currently are spending it, what would it have been like?” she questioned curiously.  
_

_It was a simple building raid after they got a lock down on a location their suspect was hiding in. The building was in the older industrial part of Chicago. She was familiar with the location from when she was younger, but she never liked it. It always did give her the ultimate creeps._

_For good reasons clearly._

_The building was rigged with small explosives by the son of a bitch and they were stuck somewhere in the middle after one went off. Luckily, there was minimal damage done to her or Jay. A few cuts and bruises marking their skin under ripped clothing._

_“Well I am so glad you asked.” His head tilted against the wall turned towards her, “Getting a burger at Molly’s and probably a beer. Hard liquor never goes quite as well. I would probably make a phone call after that so I can enjoy my night a little better.”_

_He was wearing one of his specialty smirks._

_“Wow.” She feigned disgust. “Way to be a gentlemen. You can’t even offer her a meal beforehand.”_

_“And here I was. Ready to offer you a piece of my snickers.” He answered mocking being offended as he pulled it out of his jeans pocket. It was little smashed from his body falling to the ground but it looked good._

_“Why do you have a melted snickers bar in your pocket?”_

_Her stomach had been growling for the past hour so her saying that she didn’t want at least half of it would be a lie. Erin licked her lips in anticipation._

_His fingers started pulling at the edges of the wrapper exposing the top of the bar. Caramel was already oozing out of the chocolate’s cracked sides. “I was about to eat it when your dear old pops said we needed to go.” He broke half of the bar offering it to her, “So I shoved it in my pocket since he always knows when to fuck up my day.”_

_She wasted no time grabbing the piece of candy and shoving it into her mouth. A groan of contentment crawling up her throat. She wanted to savor every minute but it was gone in ten seconds._

_When she opened her eyes, she was surprised to see that Jay’s face was hovering so closely to hers._

_His eyebrow raised, “So does this mean you’re coming over to my place tonight?” The corners of his lips twitching from trying to stop them from curving upward._

_She laughed pushing his face away from her for being absolutely ridiculous._

_Good thing for him, she liked it._

_“Buy me a drink tonight and you got yourself a deal.”_

***

She doesn’t remember a time where she wasn’t living inside of his world. Where she lost the inability to reason with reality. A reality that she was too happy living. She should have been smarter to flip the switch on in her head that said to get away. The switch that clearly read caution this won’t last much longer. It never did. It was like her conscious was laughing at her.

It had been a week since he left.

A week since he chose to take an undercover assignment after he looked her in the eyes and told her he wasn’t. A week since she missed everything about him so much it was suffocating her.

What had started out as a casual fling, a way to fuck away the hard times on the job, turned into something she wasn’t willing to let go. It was only supposed to be two friends who used each other for a little fun. Then one morning she woke up curled into his side and realized they had built a real relationship. One with routine, meaning, and feelings.

The thought made her want to curl up and die right there on the spot.

Erin had no idea when Jay would be back. When she would have the chance to confront him for being a lying, deceiving bastard. For saying I love you when he clearly didn’t mean it. For making her believe that they stood a chance no matter the circumstances. She had thought about what she would say every night that week to him. Could she stand up straight and face her broken reality? She was afraid that her mouth would open but no words would come out. Just stuck on a shelf like a frail glass, vulnerable, swaying and so close to falling and breaking.

She wasn’t stupid. She just wasn’t being smart right now.

When it came to love, her head could scream all the right things but her heart would drown them.  It’s the only way she could logically explain why she was turning her key in the ignition. There was no such thing as auto-pilot for cars, but her body steering the streets of Chicago. The lights casting through every inch of the interior reminding her the light inside of her was slowly flickering out. Her mind was concentrating on anything but what she should have been paying attention too.

She pulled into the familiar apartment building parking lot. She chose to park in his favorite spot. It was in the corner, naturally. She rolled her eyes at the thought of his rants about why he had to park there. She could hear his voice ringing in her ears like his body was in her passenger seat. Except it was just the ghost of his memory. Haunting her. Taunting her.

_“People don’t know how to park. They will accidentally scrape your side mirror while they pull in. They will put a ding in your car door when they exit their vehicle. If it snows, they will throw their ice chunks from their windshield onto yours.”_

He whined about a tiny scratch last winter for three weeks straight. If he had a choice he would never park near anyone. He was like an old woman.

Erin pressed the lock button on her car keys to signal the alarm. The beeps echoed across the dull black sky more loudly than she would have liked. It wasn’t that her car being there was unusual, but what she was about to do wasn’t exactly legal.

They were together for only eight months.

They weren’t talking about exchanging apartment keys or eventually moving in with each other yet. They never did anything the right way anyways. She might have brought it up after she told him she loved him. It’s not like she planned on the moment she would.  When she didn’t say those three magical little words back to him, he told her it was okay. She didn’t need to because all that mattered was that she knew he did. It made her feel so safe and wanted. It made her feel like she had time.

She didn’t know he would up and leave her the way he did.

It made her blood boil. It made her sad beyond belief. It made her question everything because she felt her sanity slipping away. The push and pull between what was real and what wasn’t. She was used to being lied too. Her mother did it. Hank did it. The disgusting pieces of trash that sat in her interrogation rooms did it. The one person who she believed would never speak one untruth to her did it.

She had so many emotions bottled up inside of her. She tried everything to fight the nagging inside of her head. She went to the gym to box. To punch away the anger but all she ended up doing was imagining him there wrapping his wrists. He always did hold the heavy bag for her. She went to Molly’s. Maybe the alcohol could numb her into a sweet slumber. She watched as Gabby poured his specialty drink. Her stomach twisted into knots as the bile in the back of her throat threatened to come up. She tried to throw herself into work. It always worked before. Now that was tainted by him too. His desk empty and neat just the way he always left it at the end of the day. She wanted to throw every single piece of his belongings on the floor.

So she stopped fighting the memory of him.

Being fifteen practically living on the streets prepares you for things. You get a wide variety of experience in tasks that not many know how to do. They aren’t hard to learn, but when you got everything you ever wanted, there was no reason for it. At the time, this older kid Miles was who showed her the art of picking locks. There were so many different varieties but it was never a problem for her.

His apartment door lock wasn’t one either.

Erin only fidgeted with it for a few minutes until she heard the tiny click. She was glad that Mrs. Meneo wasn’t being her usual nosy annoyance. Normally she was a quick thinker but tonight everything was so cloudy. A fog with no end in sight. She slowly pushed the door inward, a part of her afraid he might be sitting on his couch even though she knew deep down that wasn’t true.

***

_Erin’s wet blonde hair was matted against her rosy red cheeks as she stood cornered. She spotted the trouble before he even had a chance to round the wall. Her eyes trained on the only part of the kitchen she could think might save her._

_One, two, three…She took off running towards the sink. Erin grabbed the sprayer, outstretching it as far as she could in her hand pointing it in the direction of one soaking wet, half naked man in front of her._

_“Jay, I swear to god, if you don’t stop!” she shrieked._

_His laughing was sort of contagious and although she wasn't winning this battle, she had to smile. The glint of mischief sparkling in his eyes. She felt the tiniest feeling of admiration about how he was just fearfully free. Something she could never be._

_“C’mon Erin. You know that I have to finish this. You aren't going to win this time.” Jay hurled her way._

_He could see her radiating disapproval mixed with the bite he loved so much. He usually let her win these types of games he started. Whether she knew or not was a mystery to him. Once he was able to reach her and that sink it was going to be over._

_“This isn't fair.”_

_“Of course it is. Isn't that the way that saying goes. All is fair in love and war?” he quipped._

_She squeezed the handle down allowing water to squirt as a threatening mark not to come any closer. “Since when do you care about stupid cliches?”_

_“Don’t dismiss my charm and ability to coerce you with such sweet words.”_

_Erin snorts. This time she doesn't hesitate and sprays at him full force. The water hit him in the face just as he was opening his mouth to talk. The strangled coughs coming from his body was enough to make her squirm._

_“Are you okay? I didn't mean for y-“she sees it happening in slow motion. He lunged at her so quickly all she could afford was a yelp before his calloused hand was on her arm. The water underneath his feet making it quite the unforgiving type knocking his balance off kilter. As his body dropped to the tiled floor so did hers._

_She slapped him in the chest, “That hurt, you asshole.”_

_“I can’t believe you let yourself get played with that one.”_

_“I was in a fragile state of mind.”_

_He turns on his side resting his head in his hand, “You can just say I look like an Adonis and my body was filling your mind with really inappropriate thoughts.”_

_Jay could tell that Erin was just waiting for the right moment to strike. His stupid comments were starting to really grate her. He urgently tried to hide the smile that was twitching at the corners of his lips._

_“The only inappropriate thoughts I’m having right now is about how I, may or may not, want to pull a Lorena Bobbitt on your ass.”_

_He sucks in a sharp breath flashing her a grin that makes her want to scream,”Oooo that might leave quite a mess and there’s only one tree outside in the parking lot you can throw it under. Woods are kind of unknown around here.” His tactile maneuvers were a lot more skilled than Erin’s thanks to his time in military training. He was quick and efficient. Enough to have her arms pinned above her head and her legs trapped between his in less than a minute._

_“Plus, would you really want to get rid of your favorite appendage on me?”_

_Erin lifted her head and giving him a chaste kiss._

_“My favorite appendage on you are those so shut up and use them wisely.”_

***

Her fingers flutter across every surface she walks by on her way to the only place she wants to be. The smell of him tickling her nose. It weighs her down like the sky is on her back and there’s nowhere to escape it. As if she actually wanted too. She welcomes the exhaustion it gives her. For the first time, she feels calmness spread through every inch of her body. She loves it, but hates it even more.

It wasn’t fair.

Why couldn’t the bitterness of the situation swallow her whole? Let the lie be her guiding light to forget about the memories scattered in her brain. Patience isn’t something she really ever had a knack for. Of course, a week isn’t long enough to heal or to process anything. Time didn’t care what she wanted. Time only cared about reminding her of every single failure that has occurred. A round of applause for not wanting to realize there was only ever going to be a beginning and an end.

Erin let out a small snort thinking about her rather unlikable traits as his bedroom came into her sight.

This was a bad, bad idea. It didn’t stop her.

Her eyes scanned the empty dark bedroom that she spent so many nights in. A place she was no stranger too. She should just turn right back around just crossing this off as a mistake. She always knows when she’s making a mistake yet the magnetic pull of her limbs was stronger.

She wanted to strip clean of her clothes that were caked with dirt and sweat. She unlaced her boots using her feet to kick them off, one by one. She removed her warm fuzzy socks just leaving them there bunched up in balls. She shrugged off her jacket deciding to toss that over the chair at his desk. Removing the rest of her clothing was in a haze. The tee shirt left her torso, her fingers releasing the clasp on her bra, and finally unbuttoning her black skinny jeans setting her body free.

Turning on the heat was never something that crossed her mind but she didn’t mind the chill creeping upon her skin. The dresser by the window held his everyday clothes. It was something she noticed with him. He was precise in the way he handled his clothing, chalking it off as something he never let go from his time spent in the military. She pulled the first tee shirt laying neatly in the drawer before pulling the soft cotton over her bare skin.

Throwing a large bulk of the pillows on the floor was done in great laziness. She wanted to make a mess. She might even leave them there for him to find when he finally comes home.

Erin really liked that idea.

Her body sunk into the middle of his bed underneath his large grey comforter.

She slowly brought it up to her nose. Every inch of it smelled just like him. Jay wasn’t much of a cologne person. He would occasionally wear it out on special events. Mostly when those events called for suits. He smelled like fresh air mixed with his own personal masculine spice. She loved the smell of him even more when it lingered all over her body.

***

_She was holding onto the sheets so tight in her fists, her knuckles turned white. She cursed her blonde hair falling all around her face, blinding her, but the truth was she couldn't keep her eyes open for more than a second._

_His hands were gripping her hips pulling them toward his pelvis filling her whole. The moans of pleasure slipping through her heavy breaths._

_Every inch of him felt so good. “Oh god.” She bit out through clenched teeth. He leaned forward never slowing down or missing a beat, peppering hot sloppy kisses up her spine. His slight stubble coarse against her skin._

_His hands leave her hips, his left wrapping around the front of her waist and his right tracing a single minded path up her side. She feels his hand grip her face the way that makes her long for him to destroy the ache that sits between her legs every time he does it._

_Jay pulls her body upward allowing her to fall back against his chest deepening himself inside of her. She feels herself start to unravel as he lays his mouth on hers. Rough, demanding her lips to allow his tongue inside. To chase away the inklings of her barely hanging on sanity._

_There’s something about his touch, the seductive nature of the way he lets himself linger longer than he should. The gratification in his darkened lustful eyes of knowing how much it wrecked her. It’s intoxicating and dangerous._

_Her nails dig into his thighs but he’s so invested in her that he wouldn't even notice if the world came crashing down around them._

_“Erin.” Her name sounds so possessive leaving his lips, like he needs to mark her. A reminder that her body needs him. She’s being self-centered, chasing her own, as she dangles so closely to the edge._

_Her usually raspy voice huskier and much deeper, “Say it Jay.”_

_The groan that lodges itself deep inside of his throat makes her hungry for more. She arches her back so she’s no longer flushed right against him, hips thrusting back against his, and he makes it a point to pound right back up into her._

_He whispers, “I love you.” Right before he licks the pulse right underneath her angled jaw. She squeezes her eyes tight as her body tremors as the orgasm hits her. Flares of color flashing in a chaotic light show to every beat of her heart. It ripples through every inch of her skin like a rock being free thrown against still water._

_She felt dizzy, losing her head in this paradise._

***

Erin desperately tried to blink away the tears forming in her eyes. She hadn’t cried yet and did not plan on it now. What was there to mourn? The suffering her brain noise was putting her through. All the chatter that wouldn’t shut up.

He left her. It was so fucking easy for him to just leave her like everyone else. She was alone again with no one to turn to. Sometimes she reverts back to that lost girl she once was. The part buried deep inside of her who likes to peek its head out at the worst of times. A sequence of fucked up genetics that mounted out to nothing special. A pity party in her own personal hell. One day that girl had to grow up. She had to grow up really, really fast. She evolved with experience. But she never went away. She is still apart of who she was today and who she will be tomorrow.

***

_God, she hated when the shaking would make its debut. She’s solid and has been for a while now. Suddenly, the thought of Jay going undercover has her feeling an unwarranted amount of fear._

_“You don’t need to be worried.”_

_Speaking of the devil. She continues to pour the coffee inside of her personal mug. She stays silent, not saying anything. She’s afraid that if she opens her mouth to speak, tears might start falling instead._

_He’s got his hands stuffed in his front pockets, “I told Voight that I’m not interested. I did my fair share of undercover cases and right now it’s not in the cards for me especially if it’s a long term operation.”_

_He interrupts her before she gets the chance to add the sugar to her coffee, “Just look at me for one minute.”_

_Erin obliges._

_“We can’t talk about this here. You and I both know that. As soon as that clock hits six, were both out of here and free to do so. So right now, take a deep breath and relax. I’m not going anywhere.”_

_He kept his word._

_As soon as their shift was over, he was following her back to her apartment where he sweetly promised her he would be sticking around._

***

She never asked to need him.

To want his large arms to wrap around her and hold her close to his chest.

She never asked to crave him.

His lips that fit so perfectly against hers.

She never asked for the flame he lit inside her.

The way his voice whispered her name igniting a million sparks to fire rapidly.

How stupid could she be to still want him after what he did to her? She wasn’t even worth a fucking goodbye.

A simple goodbye.

She choked on the sobs she was trying to hold back. The mascara staining her ivory cheeks as tears spilled down them.

Erin felt trapped in the house she built for him.

It was a pretty house carved with good intentions. A turning point in their lives that maybe there was something worth coming home too. The existence of that house for the purpose of one dream. It was warm, inviting, and lovely. The problem…it only looked solid in the shadows. Only when the sun rose and the harsh light of day shined upon it, would she see the holes. Slowly eating away at the stability of the foundation until she realized that the house wasn’t there anymore.

It never was.

**Author's Note:**

> How did you guys like it? I know nothing like canon right? It would mean the world to me if you left comments and told me what you thought. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read!!


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